December 19th

December 19th, 2006

I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’m still here. Well, a ‘relative’ (who has never fed me so I don’t know her) needs my people’s help so my pain will continue for another few days :(. Last week, the weather outside was frightful. There were trees crashing all around me. I was certain that death was moments away. Shirley spent more time than usual out here reassuring my co-detainees that no trees would land on them (actually, it sounded more like blah blah trees blah blah blah) but I’m sure it made her feel better. As I’m about to depart this lovely location I thought I would summarize my thoughts about my Fat Farm experience:

  • The total cost of staying with Shirley since August – a gazillion dollars.
  • My total calorific intake since August – NOT ENOUGH.
  • My total poundage loss since arriving at the Feline Fat Farm – 5.3lbs.
  • Putting back on 0.1lbs at my last weigh in – PRICELESS!!!!! Ha Ha Shirley :)

    Well fans, I’ve had no time to work on Holiday cards and I haven’t even thought about my Holiday shopping so in case my greetings and gifts don’t arrive on your doorstep in time,  please have a wonderful holiday season and here’s to Shirley finding a new career in the New Year.

    Lots of Love,

    Patches :)

    December 7th

    December 7th, 2006

    So, I’ve been making my list and checking it twice. I haven’t been even remotely naughty here at the Fat Farm; therefore I’m expecting a huge haul from Santa Claws. Close to the top of my list are: 1) A tummy tuck, all this weight loss has left me with an unattractive undercarriage that no amount of sit-ups can address. 2) A make over, I’ve always yearned to be a calico. 3) Laxatone, the gift that keeps on giving and 4) The usual stocking stuffers, mice, spiders, prednisone and other yummy treats. Right now though, I’m busy checking off another list – the number of hours before I’m finally sprung from this house of horrors (approximately 8 days 7 hours and 43 seconds).

    December 1st

    December 3rd, 2006

    Well, yesterday was pure bliss. Shirley took me for my weigh in and check-up with Dr F because my Mom was busy preparing for my imminent arrival at home for the holidays. Anyway, I got weighed – down to 15.7lbs – thank you very much for asking. Then, I simply couldn’t resist squeezing out the biggest poop I could muster right there on the bench in the exam room. You should have seen their faces. Apparently, I’m the first ‘person’ to have done such a rude thing because they were completely flustered. Then, there I am demanding to be re-weighed and I’m whisked off to the back room to have my toe nails trimmed, so I pooped again in the back of the clinic – zero response. I was brought back to Shirley and quickly put back in my carrier before I shamed myself again. I was disgusted at the injustice, so I pooped again in the carrier. I’m serious that I must have lost at least another pound through my ‘eliminations’ but was denied the rightful re-weigh. I consoled myself on the way back to camp hell Fat Farm with having made my presence known and making both Shirley and Dr F scrunch up their noses in disgust. Oh, sweet day.

    November 21st

    November 21st, 2006

    I’ve been busy getting ready for Thanksgiving. Yesterday I snuck out of this hole and joined Shirley on a trip to an obscenely huge place called ‘Costco’. Of course she was clueless – she’s not very observant. I strapped myself in to the child’s car seat and hunkered down – she gives new meaning to the term ‘careless driving’. Do we have to listen to NPR? Well, here we are, ooh look I’ll hop on to the bottom shelf of this grocery cart. O.k. – I’m ready. This place is ENORMOUS – there’s food, clothes, samples, oohhh samples. Deep-fried spicy sausage in batter – I’m right here lady, throw a piece over here. What’s this – Shirley’s not stopping? Ooh look magazines -Lose 8lbs by Thanksgiving – what kind of a publication is that? I’m sure Dr Feleciano subscribes. Anyway, back to food – what DO vegetarians eat anyway? Let’s have a look in this cart. Hmm, cheese sticks, granola, pecans, mangos, tea – don’t see anything that one could actually thrive on. I suppose I’ll pull through one of these cheese sticks and try that. Just as I thought – bland, unfulfilling stodge. Ooh, there’s a phone – I’ll call home and have them meet me by the pizza – PIZZA – now that’s more like it. What’s this? Were at the checkout. That’s it? One cart, five items at Costco? That confirms it – this chick is crazzzy.

    November 13th

    November 13th, 2006

    Another big day and another big poundage loss. I’m down to 16.55lbs and Dr F thinks I’m going way too fast so she’s upped my intake. Ha Ha Shirley :) The other HUGE news is that there is now a timetable for my withdrawal from the Cat Retreat. I’m being sprung for good on December 15th. I know that means that I’ll still be here for Thanksgiving with the vegetarians but I know I can make up for it over Christmas :) What a turnaround my campaign has been – I’m definitely going in a new direction. Thanks fans and keep watching for my last posts before my much deserved freedom.

    November 8th

    November 8th, 2006

    Well, the results are in. The people have spoken. I have a lot of political capital (thank you to everyone who donated to my PAC) and I’m going to eat it. You wouldn’t believe how much full fat kibble was left under the breezeway throughout Election Day. Now that the Demo Cats are in control, I’m hoping for an increase in minimum calorific intake, a reduction in federally controlled exercise, more affordable full fat cat kibble and most importantly, I’m ready to accept Shirley’s resignation. I heard there’s a celebratory – we took back the house – party in Room 4. A suggested donation of one large bag of full fat cat kibble will be taken at my door, I mean the door :).

    November 4th

    November 4th, 2006

    I’ve just been evicted by three little renegades. Rascal, Lily and Twinkle are skittish siblings who ‘usually’ stay in ‘my’ room. Well, I hope you’re comfy. I decided to check out what the rest of the world was eating on my long haul to my ‘new’ room. Eukanuba Maximum Calorie Weight Gain Formula Oooh this must be my new room. `”Come on Patches this way” – apparently NOT.  What’s this? Thick chunks of tender chicken drenched in extra juicy gravy – Your cat will love it –Excuse me while I drool. Oooh look – dry crunchy flakes of cat nip over there.  “Come on Patches, you had enough cat nip last week.” That Shirley is always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hmmm – Purina Overweight Management – looks familiar – “Look Patches this is your new room”.  I see my food didn’t get lost in transit. At least I got a deep shelf to lie on again – I’m not as thin as I look you know.

    October 30th

    October 30th, 2006

    Cats and gardening do not generally go well together but no one’s told Shirley that. Yesterday I was dragged outside after ‘breakfast’ for my daily slog to help her garden. I was exhausted watching her cut back hedges, dig up dahlias, rake leaves and fill a wheelbarrow with ‘stuff’. Bored rigid, I tossed around a couple of caterpillars, pinned down a salamander and looked for something to eat. Being a cat, I’m not usually partial to vegetation but I found a shrub that was simply delicious and made me feel curiously energized. It wasn’t long before I was racing around the flower beds shedding ounce after ounce. Shirley didn’t trust my new-found agility and choose to plop me down on top of a wheelbarrow full of debris that was headed for the compost heap. On our journey my mood shifted from frantic to dreamy. All of a sudden everything was strangely peaceful and relaxing. Although Shirley insisted on bouncing me over mole hills (I sense law suits in my future) I felt peaceful and serene. At the compost heap I managed to avoid being hurled out along with the rest of the contents then I stretched out and got in a quick nap on our way back to the garden. “Patches – are you alright? Did you get into the cat nip?” I was back in my room dreaming of cat nip-laced kibble and cat nip-sprinkled canned food. Gardening is indeed a well kept secret. I hope I can help again tomorrow.

    October 28th

    October 28th, 2006

    It’s been two weeks since my last weigh in and once again, at today’s weigh in, I made my people proud. Another half a pound sliced off my tonnage – a minuscule 17.25lbs was the verdict. I’m glad that Parkway got their scales fixed – no more unfair status quos at my weigh ins. My Mom picked up more canned food to give to Shirley not realizing that I’m only half way through the second of eight cans that she brought last time – does anyone want to buy some Purina OM canned food? I’d take a trade for the F-word (Friskies or Fancy Feast).

    October 25th

    October 25th, 2006

    The rabble has gone :(.  No more lessons in how to play for me.  I did, however, manage to master the art of catching the feather toy – thank you Maggie.  No one knew until Shirley noticed me chasing an imaginary feather toy in my room.  I think she thought I was having a seizure.  So, of course she tried to capture it on film but I was just too fast for her.  I was leaping and spinning – yes, I’m a veritable break-dancer.  The best thing is I get a really good cardio workout.  I’ll be able to slide under the door to freedom before long.  Right now though, I’m having a lay down – can’t tell if the room’s spinning or if I’m still ‘warming down’ as we say in the fitness world.  I caught sight of myself in the window before bedtime last night – svelte and willowy and I sang myself to sleep – I’m adorable, 😛 – I’m adorable…